Why I don't praise my daughter (and what I do instead!)
When children receive praise for their accomplishments, they can come to believe that their value comes from what they do as opposed to who they are.
It is so normal and natural to want to celebrate our children for all the incredible things that they do.
However well intentioned, it has been well documented that praising our children with remarks like "good Job" or value judgements like "you're so clever" leads to a number of unenjoyable outcomes.
Before I continue, I invite you to check in with yourself to see if what I'm sharing here resonates with you. If it does, and you have already spoken to your children in these ways I am sending so much love to you and any thoughts and feelings that might be arising. I want to remind you that it is never too late to shift our dialogue with our children (and ourselves!). I invite you to go gently, to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and to remember that small shifts can have profound impacts.
When children receive praise for their accomplishments, they can come to believe that their value comes from what they do as opposed to who they are. This can divert their intrinsic curiosity and desire to learn about the world around them towards doing whatever receives the most praise. Seemingly loving phrases like "you're so good at drawing" can subconsciously move our children to focus on how they will be most loved and accepted, at the cost of getting to know and be their authentic selves.
Does this mean we can’t acknowledge our children and all the incredible things they do? Not at all! It's just that instead of telling our children what they are because of their achievements, we can celebrate and delight in their processes. So instead of telling your child "you're so clever" or "you're so strong" I would invite you to celebrate and delight in their processes instead. Here are some examples:
Wow! You zipped it all the way up!
Look how tall your tower is!!
What an expressive drawing darling! What is it of?
You put your shirt on all by yourself!
You ran so fast!
Shifting the way we speak to our children (and ourselves) is big and takes time. I want to invite you to go gently, to be kind and compassionate to yourself, and to remember that small shifts can have significant impacts.
I offer support on your Aware Parenting Journey, find out more here.
