How to foster your child’s healthy relationship with food
“Seaweed, seaweed!” My 17 month old daughter requested with glee. As I handed her a piece of crispy nori, and witnessed her delightfully begin to munch on it, I felt so moved by her body's wisdom, the way she knows and communicates what she needs to eat at any given moment. Last week, for two days in a row, she ate an abundance of nutritional yeast. Her dinner last night was mostly cheese, Manchego specifically.
I wonder how you feel as you read this? Perhaps you are wondering whether eating mostly cheese for dinner would meet her nutritional needs? Maybe you are comparing some of the foods I have mentioned to those that you or your children choose to or not to eat?
Whatever you are thinking and feeling, I am sending so much love to you. Discussing food can be a really sensitive subject for many of us as it is so interrelated with our emotional landscape. I invite you to check in with yourself as you read this and to consider whether what I'm sharing resonates with you. If it doesn't, I invite you to let it go and move onto something else. If it does resonate, and it connects you with some of your own feelings, I invite you to go gently and to listen in to what you might need.
This approach to eating comes from Aware Parenting, which is a Trauma-Informed, research based parenting paradigm, developed by Swiss/American Developmental Psychologist Aletha Solter P.h.d. She outlines her philosophy across 6 excellent books, two of which explore supporting babies and children's innate wisdom with regard to food - The Aware Baby, and Cooperative and Connected.
The basis of this way of supporting our children's relationship with food and their bodies, is that from infancy, babies know exactly what, when, and how much they need to consume. However in order for this trust based approach to be effective, children need to be supported with the holistic paradigm of Aware Parenting. Below are 9 tips to support your family to nurture a self connected and healthy relationship with food:
Choice - Invite your child to choose when, what, and how much they eat. This begins with offering breastmilk or formula in response to their hunger cues (as opposed to a schedule), continues into their very first introduction to solids and beyond. This might look like offering a plate including some protein, a vegetable, something fatty, a carbohydrate, and something sweet, and if your child asks for more of anything then providing more. If your child isn't hungry then wait until they are, they will let you know!
Avoid using food as a way to repress emotions Many of us have been conditioned to offer breastmilk/formula and later food when our children are upset. When children are repeatedly offered food when they are experiencing painful feelings and not hunger, they may learn to use food as a way to avoid feeling certain emotions. Learning to distinguish between hunger and a need to express emotions is tender and nuanced. Most of us were not raised by parents with this awareness, and we live in a culture that is very uncomfortable with emotional expression. I invite you to be compassionate with yourself as you take this in and to remember that even if you have not known this information in the past, it is possible for things to shift and for emotions that have been pushed down to find expression at any age.
Trust your child's ability to know what, how much, and when they need to eat. When the above are put into practice, “children will spontaneously select a nutritionally balanced diet when we give them the freedom to choose which foods to eat” - Aletha Solter Ph.d (in Cooperative and Connected, pg. 164). Coming to this place of trust is big in a culture that has led many of us to believe that we need to eat in structured ways and when most of us were not trusted with regard to food when we were children.
Try to stay neutral during mealtimes. Whether your child chooses to only eat blueberries and olives (as my daughter sometimes does!) or whether they go for the broccoli or the tofu, praising children for eating particular foods creates the sense that some foods are more desirable than others, and can also interfere with their inherent sense of what their bodies need. Babies and children will often choose to eat particular foods for a few days before changing to something else and this is perfectly healthy; they receive balanced nutrition over time.
Presence When possible, try to create an atmosphere of presence during mealtimes without lots of distractions, so that your child can be aware of the sensations in their body.
Don't Restrict it is well documented that restriction increases desire. When you begin this approach, your child may binge on foods that they were not allowed to have in the past. This can bring up a lot of feelings for parents, I invite you to seek the support you need to have your feelings heard if you choose to move away from restricting to trusting your child.
Avoid using food as a reward this can interfere with your child's ability to be aware of their own signals for hunger and fullness. Studies have shown that the promise of a reward tends to make children dislike whatever they need to do to earn it. So when a child is promised ice-cream if they eat their vegetables they are much less likely to want to eat vegetables in the future!
You also get to choose! Your own autonomy and choice are a huge part of the way you will feel throughout this process.
I invite you to consider how this approach could best meet the needs of everyone in your family. The way we implement this, is we fill our home with nourishing food, avoiding overly processed packaged items and refined sugars, and our daughter is welcome to eat whatever she likes at home. When we are out at a cafe or grandparents' house, birthday party etc, we still lovingly welcome her to choose whatever she wants, trusting that overall most of the foods on offer to her are really healthful, and holding in mind that restriction increases desire (as mentioned above).
Our family is pescatarian, (predominantly vegetarian) and to date our daughter hasn't expressed interest in trying meat. She has asked once what a sausage was when another child was eating one, and we explained that it was meat, which mummy and daddy don't eat because it comes from animals. As she grows, we will continue to offer honest information and support her to decide what feels right for her.Consider your own relationship with food and your body and what you are modelling to your children. You might like to explore this approach for yourself, eating what your body is asking for when it is asking for it, and to see what arises as you do. I invite you to share any feelings that arise with someone who will listen empathetically, without judging or interrupting you. This might be a friend, a listening partner or empathy buddy, a therapist, or an Aware Parenting Instructor.
If you would like to dive deeper, I recommend the following resources:
I also offer sessions and voicenote support for parents on their Aware Parenting Journeys, you can find out more here.
